Stepping through the
Door
It sometimes requires a
radical shift in consciousness to see relationships
instead of individuals. Two people collaborating on
a shared project are obviously making something
together, but so are two people having an argument.
They are putting a certain kind of energy into
their relationship, and giving the relationship a
particular quality and identity. Relationships have
their own nature and persistence. Some are healthy
and creative, and give to the world. Others are
destructive and unhealthy. All are held together by
the energies we feed into them. We've all known
people who continue to be defined by destructive
relationships, even after the parties have gone
their separate ways. In our atomistic way of
thinking, we can't "see" that the relationship is
still there when the person no longer
is.
The Touch of
Creation
To embrace your relational
nature, try to see each event of your day as a
spark of contact, an interaction between yourself
and another. The other may be a person, but may
just as easily be a plant, an animal, a rock, a
place. From that single touch, something will take
shape. What will it be like? What are you helping
to make? Replace thought like I'm doing this to
it or She's doing that to me with We
are making this. You and the other being share
the task of creating a new relationship. You may
not share an understanding of why it is happening
or how you want it to be, but you are collaborators
nonetheless.
If you see good things
growing out of a relationship, you can reinforce
the energies you have put into it, and most likely
will come into greater and greater harmony with the
other, as you both reinforce the initial creative
moment.
If a relationship is
unhealthy or destructive, there are several things
you can do. The most obvious is to change the
energy that is going into the relationship. This is
always a change for both parties. In our atomistic
way of thinking, we usually imagine that bad
relationships can be fixed by one party or the
other behaving differently. There is some truth in
that, but it overlooks the fact that the
relationship has a character of its own. The
relationship itself must change, and that
inevitably affects both parties. If the primary
shape of a relationship between friends, for
example, is one using the other to serve their own
needs, then "stop using me" is only a part of the
change that must happen. The other person must also
stop being used, and both must find a whole
different kind of energy to invest in the
relationship that has nothing to do with using or
being used. This can be frightening, unexplored
territory for both parties, especially in a
relationship that has had a particular shape for a
long time.
Sometimes, the best thing to
do with an unhealthy relationship is to stop
feeding it. If a relationship resists being
reshaped, or if the motivation is simply lacking to
work on it, then it's often best to let it go and
invest in one's healthier relationships instead. As
mentioned above, however, separating from the other
party is not the same thing as not feeding the
relationship. It is possible (in fact common) to
continue to feed relationships after the parties
are no longer in contact. It is also possible to
stop feeding a relationship while the parties
remain in contact, simply by giving it less of your
emotional and mental attention.
Being a
relationship-conscious person leads you out of
unhealthy relationships and into healthier ones.
Destructive relationships are usually the result of
self-focused individualistic thinking. Once you
learn to actually see your relationships as living
things and to care for them, it becomes much easier
to keep them healthy.
Venus
As
a mythological/astrological image of our relational
nature, I have selected the goddess Venus
(Aphrodite in Greek). In mythology, she was hardly
a model of empathy, being frequently self-centered,
manipulative, and vain. However, she represents
quite well the forces that draw us into
relationship and open opportunities for connection
and understanding. She was, of course, the goddess
of love. In astrology, she presides over
attractions of all sorts, including sexual
attraction, the lure of the beautiful, and our
desire for pleasure and comfort. Although these
impulses have a selfish quality to them, the
relationships that result need not be selfish
themselves.
This is part of our
programming, it seems, as embodied beings: to
see in the other something that we lack, need, or
desire. This lure of attraction is what draws us
into new relationships and new experiences. Encased
as we are in our separate bodies and individual
personas, Venus is our lifeline into the larger
world of connection and communion.
Venus rules Taurus, the sign
of physical pleasure, creature comforts, and
security, as well as Libra, the sign of marriage,
harmony, and relationship. The two become very
similar if we expand the idea of relationship
beyond simply relationships with other people to
include our relationship with our physical
environment as well. Securing a safe, stable, and
comfortable lifestyle depends critically on our
relationship with things such as place, money,
food, and possessions.
Venus, more than any of the
other planetary deities, seeks diverse experiences
of connection. What we make of those experiences is
up to us.
Homework
Here are some ways to
encourage your own relational nature.
- The next time you find
yourself becoming short-tempered, defensive, or
confrontational, visualize the energy you are
sending out and what response it will evoke in
others.
- The next time you drink
water, imagine being the water (where it has
been, how it has moved, what it has
touched).
- List five important
relationships you've had in your life, and
reflect on their beginning, middle, and
end.
- The next time you
quarrel with someone, imagine them as a small
child and see if you can sense the child's
feelings in their words and actions.
- Think of an important
relationship in your life. If the relationship
were an animal, what animal would it
be? (the relationship itself, not
the other person)
- Think of an important
decision you made, and assess how others were
affected by it.
- As you encounter plants
or animals near your home or workplace, ponder
on how you seem to them, and how they feel about
their relationship with you.
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